Marriage Isn't About Winning // Beyond the Big Day

Today is a continuation of the blog series "Beyond the Big Day." These blogs are intended to help engaged couples, newlyweds, and anyone who is open to wisdom from others who have been married and learned a few things from it! I'm pleased to introduce Antonia from Antonia Christianson Events to you today with her blog "Marriage Isn't About Winning." Click here to read more from the Beyond the Big Day series.

When Maria asked me to write a post about my first year of marriage, I was kind of taken aback...honored, absolutely. But at times I feel like my first year of marriage (a decade ago) was a lifetime ago. And at times, I feel like it was just yesterday. I wasn't really sure where to start. So I thought I'd share the two things I have always lived by in my marriage, advice that I received from my in laws the night before I got married.

First, remember, that "marriage will feel different." This is something I didn't believe, but it is absolutely true. My beloved and I lived a huge life before we got married. We met in college, fell in love, moved across the country together, had our first son, bought a house, and then got married. A little backwards, but perfect for us. Look up “whirlwind romance” in the dictionary and you'll probably see a 21 year old picture of James and I.  There was no way I could feel any more connected than I already did...but boy was I wrong. When I woke up the first day as a Christianson, I couldn't have been more proud, more aligned and more in tune, and this feeling has only grown more than I ever imagined possible over the last 10 years. On that day in September 2005, I became someone's wife. I was legally and spiritually bound, forever, and that made me so proud at the time and stil makes me unbelievably joyful and giddy.

The second piece of advice that I received was to "choose your battles wisely." If you follow my business at all you know this is something I often refer to because it's the biggest boundary I've set in my marriage, as a parent, in friendship, in any relationship really...and it's huge!  If you think this is obvious advice, wait until you have children! I have made a guideline for when and if I'm going to voice my opinion when a conversation or discussion becomes heated or is really pulling on my heartstrings. It's really pretty simple. "If it's not going to change history, keep it to yourself." I know, I know! You are probably thinking, "I am strong, I need to be heard, hear me roar!" But the truth is oftentimes your opinion in the heat of the moment is shared more times to "win the battle" than because it is truly the best for the big picture. Your daily life's journey is just that - a journey, a small piece of the big picture. I will often times, step away, re-group, think about both sides of the equation and come to a happy medium....or, "let him win."

Because this is what I have learned, if my beloved has an opinion on the well-being of our family, and he actually verbalizes it, he has given some thought to the issue and he is speaking on what he truly feels is best. We aren't fighters, we don't really bicker. We agree on most things parenting, money and spiritually, so when he does speak up, it's for a reason. With marriage, it shouldn't be about pride, or winning, or battling. It should be about feeling different and loved and heard…and united.

Owner of Antonia Christianson Events, this Virginia Beach native is thought of as the “go to” event professional in Coastal Virginia. Antonia Christianson Events has quickly become a top wedding and social events planning firm, respected by clients and fellow event professionals alike. For fifteen years, Antonia has lived and breathed social events and it is shown in her list of clients that range from PGA Rookie of the Year (2009) to nationally known radio personalities. From her humble beginnings in radio promotions to her corporate event experience working as the marketing coordinator for a large wireless phone provider, her knowledge and awareness of varying event styles is displayed in every aspect of her company. She prides herself in continuing to educate the wedding community on how to better business while keeping family the top priority. This is shown in her ability to balance her brand while being an active wife and mother to James, her husband, and Noah and Jackson her two sons.
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Photo by Bit of Ivory Photography.

Titles Don't Make You Superheroes // Beyond the Big Day

Whether you were together for years before your wedding day, or just a few short months, one thing is for certain...You're marrying someone. You're choosing to spend your life with someone. You're VOWING to be everything to someONE. 

When I first started my planning business, it was right after my own wedding. I was obsessed with crafting and designing. I loved making things look pretty. So I carried that mind set on for a few more years throughout my business. "I don't plan ugly weddings." I honestly remember saying that to a bride. What was I thinking?! She was totally fine with it though because she did not want an ugly wedding. So we paired up as planner and bride. That was my mentality for the first two years of my business. "How can I improve these designs that these brides have and really turn it into a gorgeous wedding?" Im honestly ashamed that was my mindset for my business. 

You're probably thinking, "why is she so hard on herself? I mean, don't planners and designers do exactly what she just said?" The answer to that is a big, fat, ugly NO! 

As a newlywed , there were so many things that I wish people would have told me about. Warned me, I guess you could say. No one tells you about your first fight as a married couple. No one mentions that you have to sit through a conversation to let the other person speak. Why can't it be like it was before where I would do a really dramatic, 17 year old temper tantrum, slamming the door and then you chasing me down the street to come get me? Answer: because we are adults now. And because we are MARRIED. 

Marriage isn't a relationship status on your Facebook page. It's not wearing a ring because it's sparkly. Just putting a title on your relationship changes it. But it changes it all for the better. It's all about perspective. 

Going to the DMV to get your information changed shouldn't be viewed as a hassle or inconvenience. It's a blessing. You get to change your name because you chose, let me repeat, you CHOSE the person you want to spend the rest of your life with and now that means that changing your name is the indication to society that you two belong together. You're a pair. A family. It's your brand. 

You fight. Yes, you fight. Just because you're married now doesn't mean you don't argue with each other. Just because you're married now doesn't mean that the world is all butterflies and rainbows. Just because you're married now doesn't mean the expectations of your relationship should change so drastically overnight. Don't expect him to make you breakfast in bed just because he has the title of husband. And don't expect her to go get your car detailed because she's now your wife. Titles don't make you superheroes. Titles don't change you as a person so much that it completely changes your habits. Marriage isn't a magic wand that fixes relationships. Marriage is like Neosporin. It heals with time and care. 

The mentality that I have with my brides and my business now has changed so much over the years. It's not about how pretty the wedding is. It's not about how much you spent on flowers or uplighting. It's actually not about the wedding at all. I want to make sure that all of my couples worry more about their marriage and not just their wedding day. I genuinely want my couples to last. I don't want repeat clients in the sense that I'm planning a second wedding for someone. And I have to often remind my clients that the wedding day is one day...Marriage is a lifetime. 

So if there's anything that brides take away from here, I hope it's this: there will be highs and lows in your marriage. There will be fights. There will be crying. Marriage doesn't make everything perfect. And after all of your attention spent planning, wedding day blues will happen after the wedding is over. But it's okay. Just focus that attention on the next steps in your marriage. Take one day at a time. Just because you fight doesn't mean the marriage is over. The difference between a good marriage and a great one is how you react to the bad and how we praise the good. After all, our grandparents must have done something right. 

Click here to see more marriage advice from Beyond the Big Day. 

Shay, an ABC Certified Wedding Planner, started her long time dream as a wedding consultant while planning her own wedding in 2009. She then realized she had a knack for staying calm in the midst of chaos. With a taste for all things magnificent mixed with a DIY look, Shay has perfected the talent of savvy-chic-budgeting. With her help, your wedding day is sure to take your guests breath away. After her wedding in 2009, Shay then pursued a career in event planning. While the Director of Events at the beautiful Chamberlin on Ft. Monroe, Shay planned more than 65 weddings, several conferences, luncheons and much more. While this opportunity gave Shay the know how when it came to planning high quality weddings, her position with Premier Bride Magazine as their sales and marketing manager gave her the in’s and out’s of new trends in the wedding industry.
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Focus on What Matters // Beyond the Big Day

Before I could even get used to the fact that I was now engaged, the questions started pouring in: When is the big day? How did he ask? Where are you getting married? Where are you registered? How many guests? Where is the honeymoon? When is the date, what color are the linens and have you picked out a dress? The innocent and likely thoughtful questions continued for the duration of our 9-month engagement. 

At the same time, my own questions, comparisons, and to-do lists flooded my mind. How BIG is our budget? What size is the ring? How small can my waist be? How long of a veil? How many bridesmaids, 3 or 4 tiers of cake? Will it be a buffet or plated meal, indoor or outdoor reception?

It’s only natural though, right? I mean, how can we have our BIG day without some way of measuring it, some means of comparison?

I want to let you know that the length of your guest list, the height of your cake or the size of the reception hall might feel extremely important in the moment…but after your BIG day is over and the dust settles, your marriage is what matters. And believe me, you can be legally married without picking the right shade of navy for your linens.

The somewhat pressuring questions do not stop at the wedding and your to-do lists, expectations, and comparisons don’t either. Instead of worrying about where your honeymoon is, you will be concerned with where your first home will be. Your distress over what color bridesmaid dresses to pick will turn into what color you will paint the walls in your first home. And soon enough, in my experience anyway, the questioning will shift to babies.

I am just not sure this cycle ever ends and looking back at my wedding, I couldn’t tell you the exact measurement of things or the number of this or that or the size I decided on for certain things. I can tell you that I married my best friend and it will always be one of the best days of my life.

My advice to you is not to get caught up in the specifics of everything. Focus on what really matters, the fact that you are getting married! My advice beyond the BIG day? Simple, don’t get caught up in the specific details of this and that and focus instead on the fact that you have started a new life that you are sharing with your best friend. Get rid of your to-do lists and expectations, because your reality will often times look very different than that list you made…maybe even better than you could have planned it yourself!

Click here to see more marriage advice from Beyond the Big Day. 

Kayla is a wife, mom to two huskies, and a Stella & Dot stylist. She loves fashion, her husband, and Starbucks. She is currently an accounting director at Liberty Baptist Church in Hampton, Virginia, but as a military spouse, that could change at any time!
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