Like a lot of people, I struggle with guilt. Being a wife, business owner, parent, or even just a human being brings up all kinds of emotions. I think about the ‘what ifs’ and ‘could have beens’ a lot, and I often take on burdens I was never made to bear. For me, this has particularly happened when I began life as a mother just two years ago. I felt guilty when I worked instead of playing with Willow. I felt guilty when I felt like I was neglecting my business. I struggled when I dropped her off at YMCA childcare to try and work, and I felt even worse when I lost my temper towards her because I had to get something done and her needs interfered with mine.
From the first day I called Nathan in tears because I felt like I couldn’t handle having a baby and a business, he suggested we look into daycare options. I stubbornly refused. Part of the reason is because I wanted to own a business so that I could work from home and spend more time with my kids. Part of the reason is because with adoption, early bonding is crucial to having a safe and loving home environment for a child who experienced trauma at too early of an age.
But another part of the reason I solidly refused daycare is because I felt like I should be able to do it all. I threw no shade at other business-owning moms who got daycare. I just secretly felt like I could do without it. This was my plan. I could be superwoman in parenting, life, running, business owning…do you see how quickly this could fall apart?
Eventually, it did. I don’t regret spending two solid years focusing on motherhood. I’m sure my business would have grown faster if we never had a baby, but I wouldn’t change that fact for the world. Slowly, though, my life started to shift. Willow was sleeping less and wanting my attention more. She went from being a fairly easy, happy baby to a very demanding toddler who experiences the highest of highs and the lowest of lows - sometimes in the span of five minutes. I started to crumble under the pressure every single day. I started to face the reality that I couldn’t do it all.
I thought about quitting. I thought it might be easier just to hang up my business owner hat and call it a day, not because I don’t love what I do, but because I couldn’t handle doing everything, and as a result almost nothing was being done well.
It was around this winter that I started to make that realization, and Nathan again brought up the idea of daycare. Again, I refused. “I can do it if I just try harder” was my constant refrain. Plus, daycare is expensive. I didn’t want to admit that I had weaknesses, and I certainly didn’t want to pay for those weaknesses every month.
So the guilt continued, and with it the tears. Finally I sat down with Nathan and told him everything that I was feeling. I admitted it all, and asked him what to do. Gently, for the fiftieth time, he told me we had to find more help. Within a matter of weeks, we found a daycare only 5 minutes away that lines up with our beliefs, focuses on educating children instead of just babysitting them, and magically had an opening immediately.
I still almost said no, but thankfully Nathan stepped in. Throughout our marriage, all the decisions have been ours. Nathan never steps on my feelings or thoughts. We listen to each other, pray, process, and make decisions together. But in this moment, the most loving thing my husband could do was to ever-so-gently take the decision away from me. He took it away not so he could have the final say or show that he was better, but because I couldn’t make the decision myself out of guilt.
In that moment, I felt released. I knew I had to do this for my business and for my sanity. But I didn’t have to make the hard decision myself because all of a sudden I realized, it’s not up to me. It’s not up to me to carry the guilt. It’s not up to me to crunch the numbers so many times I decided I couldn’t do it. It’s not up to me to bear the burden of trying to do it all, which had been failing me for quite some time.
As I write this I sit in a Starbucks, surrounded by people as I work, after going to a mastermind meeting this morning that filled my brain and heart with all kinds of excitement and new ideas. By making the decision for me, because of me, and with my best interests in mind, Nathan allowed all this to happen.
I’m not someone who easily lets go of control, but this time I was glad to say: It’s not up to me. And my life, my business, and my family are all the better for it.
